Vegetables Aren't Meat
by o0-Trollin4tehLulz-0o
Summary: Bella tries to encourage a new lifestyle in Edward. Edward is having none of it. CRACK TIEMS CHA LOL


Vegetables Aren't Meat

Bella x Edward lol

"So like, Edward, if you can't eat, like, people and stuff, cuz it's wrong, could you not like, eat vegatables? There's quite tasty, and I lieks me some brocoley every now and then it tastes like cabbage," Bella said, with the most intelligently stupid look upon her untanned Arizona face.

"Bella," Edward crooned with a look of pain and agony on his pallid and sparkly phizog, "Why... no, _how _could you say something so insensitive to my culture, as a vampire?"

Bella looked at him as though he had just twacked her in the face with a frying pan filled ironically with vegetables. "I'm sotrry Eddie-pie, I thought I was making a good comment, I'm only trying to look out for you and your people and your mother and your father and your brother and your outher brother and your sister and that wagon that I don't really like cuz she smells like stupid."

"Well, you're ugly comments aside, and really bad nickname, vegetables are insulting to my people, my race, and my country. Vegetables are not blood. They are not meat. And they most certainly are not delicious, nutritious or even funnily shaped. Sad face."

"I beg to differ my smiley vampire," Bella replied with a wry grin. "Fennels are funnily shaped. They're the Italian for something that means something else and by something else I mean a…. you know… Ahem… Fennel NO a um… naughty bit on boys that's nasty but still I want you now lol"

"You mean our faces?" Edward asked with a confused, but wry grin. "You can say 'face', can't you? You aren't that bleedin thick, are you?"

"Well no Edward clearly if I had wanted to say face I would have said face and God be damend what I said cuz I know what a face is and what a penis is not NO I mean. Crap. I mean no! I… damn…" Bella turned a bright shade of red which would have rivalled any fennel.

"My, my, Bella, my dear, you've gone quite red. All because you refered to a phallus… I am disappointed in you, my dear, darling Bella. You know, Bella… I once thought myself in lust with you. Then I thought you irritating, because your mind is so blank all of the time. Then I thought myself in love with you. Then I realised I was just ill. Then I really fell in love with you. Now, however, my dear and darling Bella, I am not so sure if I can love one so simple as you. I am very repentant, my precious Bella, but I must now elope with… erm… Jessica, or something…"

Bella simply stared at him for a moment, most slightly agape (and by agape I mean open), before finally saying, slightly breathless "Starfish are really gross."

Edward opened his mouth to speak, frowned, closed his mouth, took a deep breath, opened his mouth, choked slightly on his laughter, swallowed a couple of times and once again, opened his mouth to speak, "What?"

Bella looked at Edward, puzzled. "Why, aren't unicorns quite in fashion these days m'darlin o m'darlin o m'darlin Clementine…" Bella began to swish and flick (Wingarrdium Leviosa!) her arms to and fro as if gone slightly mad and then prceeded to hug the marble gargoyle known as Edward Cullen the vampire who sparkles. She planted fairytale kisses upon his glowing neck of doom and whispered sweet nothings (and by nothings I mean that they meant absolutely nothing) into his ear thatcould possibly not be an ear at all knowing that he was a vampire and not a human maybe vampires don't need to hear at all but eat sound waves or something like htat because you know that vampires aren't reall bu there you go xuz there was one right in friont of the girl asshe ate at his hair which was tasty.

Edward backed away slightly, perturbed by this display of asshattery. "Bella, this is quite unladylike. I demand that you cease to behave thus immediately. I daresay your mother would turn in his grave if she were to see his daughter behaving so… brutishly." Edward admonished her, until his pallidface ought to have turned blue. But it wasn't going to, because his blood doesn't move, which begs the question how did he father a child, if his blood isn't moving anymore?

"YOuR sO prEtTY!" Bella frothed as she rolled onto the floor, teh sensible Bella of never ago gone within the blink of an ear. All self control was gone as she proceeded to hug at Edward's feet. Perhaps she had gone insane from the mere notionz that Edmund would leave her. Perhaps she had lost all sense due to a sudden illness brought on by her terrible thirst.. Or perhaps she was just a freak of nature which is saying something considering that she was standing (read: flailing) next to a vampyre who clearly could not be real cuz that doesn't make sense. Go figure.

Edward blinked, startled at this display of fangirlery, "Thank you, Bella, your words would warm my heart, if I were still human (which I'm not), and if you were more eloquent (which you're not), but I thank you for the gesture of civility which you just proffered me. May I have my feet back, please? Your drool is making them wet, and I tend to slip when I run with wet feet. It isn't pleasant. I don't fall over, though. That is entirely your domain." Edward said with a small amount of satisfaction, and a large amount of fear.

Bella paused in her rabies and looked up to her lover. "I'm a vegatable. Eat me plz?"

"… Bella… You are meat. Sweet, bloody, juicy meat. Vegetables are not meat. You are meat, therefore you are not a vegetable. QED, like." Edward lifted her to her feet, "What are you? Say it. Out loud."

"VEGATABLE"

"No! You are..?"

"VEGAYTABLAY"

"Dear, God, woman! You are _meat! _You are a lot of meat and bone, and a lot of blood. Sweet… delicious… warm… delicious… _blood_…" Edward began to appraise his fangirlfriend in a, well, not entirely new light. But a light that pointed out her meat-ness, rather than her girl-ness.

Bella turned her vegetable-filled eyes towards the vampire. "You look kinda scary, my raddish. Is there anything I can help you with? I is vegatable, I is one of your five a day, keep doctor away."

Edward stared hungrily at his blood-filled human. She was slightly pink in the face, the blood near the surface… '_No, must… not… consume vast quantities of… girlfriend…' _Edward took one halting step towards Bella, and grasped her neck in the way a farmer might grasp a carrot, and brought her face close to his, "I will eat the doctor… wait. No. My father is the doctor. Not The Doctor, but _a _doctor. A surgeon, you see. Dr. Cullen, they call him. I will eat you now."

A spark of clarity sparked in Bella's eyes. "Um… really? I think I was lying. I is not one of your five a day, not to my recollection from the library."

"Bella…" The moan escaping Edward's lips was almost sexual in its need, "You smell so… _awesome_.. I must consume vast quantities of you immediately. I'm not even kidding. You want to emo it up, or will I cut you open myself?"

"Will I lose my dignity…? Will someone caaaare? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmaaaare?" Fear clouded Bella's insanity filled eyes with music.

"Umm… You will lose your life, your friends and family will mourn your loss, and no. No you will not. Unless there really is an afterlife, then yes. You will wake up. Now, tilt your head to the right, like a good little girl."

"Will you come too Eddie?"

"… Yes… Of course… Why not? I'll follow you on, later, okay? Just… just tilt your head, now, please…"

Bella visibly brightened. "Kay kay! *big grin* I loves you Edward!" Bella tilted her neck with a hooge smile that plastered across her ignorant face.

Edward paused for a beat, surprised. He then shrugged and dove at the girl, tackling her to the floor, his sharpened people-teeth piercing her skin with some difficulty. The blood flowed, his eyes glowed, and he was a vampyre once moar.

With a start, Bella woke up, sitting upright in her bed, and screamed "Edward! You lying bastard! I hate youse so much!" She frowned, and turned to her right, where sat Jacob, unimpressed entirely. "Again with the Edward Bella. What was it this time?" "Well," Bella cried. "Vegetables aren't meat…"

Jacob frowned quietly to himself, at this. He then offered a silent prayer to all that was watching over a teen werewolf, thanking them for not letting Bella cop on to the fact that Edward had been staying over at his place every night, and that they had a plan in place to elope to Massachusetts to get married and have many beautiful babies.

No. Bella did not need to know about that.

ENDZ


End file.
